The number one determining factor of success is grit. Grit is the intersection of passion and perseverance for long term goals. Grit is living life like it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Cultivating and building grit is not related to talent, IQ, or social skills. Rather, building and cultivating grit in ourselves is directly related to having a growth mindset – the belief that the ability to learn, to improve, and to become better at anything, is not fixed; it is malleable and fluid.
I used to be a chubby kid, and for those of you who don’t know, being chubby in an Asian country is a criminal offense that guarantees shame for yourself and your family. I grew up listening to body-shaming remarks from relatives left and right. Everyone — from my grandparents to my mother’s friend whom I’ve met exactly once — seemed personally responsible for reminding me that my body occupied too much space.
“Oh child, let’s cut down some rice, or you’ll scare away the boys”
“Looks who’s preparing for a Sumo match!”
“Wear a blue shirt, and you’ll become Doraemon”
Were some of them funny as hell? Yes. But it does not negate the fact that they hurt me deeply. Whenever I tried to speak up for myself, the adults would laugh and say:
“But it’s for your own good. We’re just motivating you.”
Even though I knew deep down that they were wrong, another part of me wondered if there might be some truth in it. Shame, after all, is such an effective social incentive to drive change. Right? It has changed social norms, pushed smokers to quit, convinced people to wear seatbelts, and transformed behaviors that society once accepted into ones it could no longer tolerate.
Maybe shame really was an effective push. And so, even though I hated the way they made me feel, I inherited their method of motivation. I learned to criticize myself.
I thought if I could hate myself enough, I might grow into a version of me that I can finally love.
If I hate my body enough, I’ll work for a better one. If I’m harsh with myself enough, I’ll be more disciplined. If I constantly remind myself that I’m not good enough, I’ll always work harder.
I started to become my own worst critic, and somehow, I felt twistedly empowered — no one can hurt me if I hurt myself first; no word can attack me by surprise if I already recite it to myself a thousand times; if I were to hurt, it would be by my own blade.
But in the end, it is still just an illusion of control; whether the blade belonged to someone else or to me, the wound was still mine.
I managed to lose weight before I entered high school.
And it was shame that drove me to run 45 minutes, skip rope 100 times, and do 50 crunches every single day. It was shame that fueled me to restrict my eating habits and become more conscious of the food I put inside my body. It was shame that transformed me and got me the compliments from the very people who attacked me.
So who’s to say that shame does not work? It did for me.
But what people didn’t know was that shame lingered long even after change occurred; and the change that happened through shame was extremely costly.
I continued to hate my body despite the so-called improvements I had made. I struggled with eating disorders throughout much of my adolescence. My mental health and self-esteem were in a terrible state. No matter how much I changed my body, the voice inside me always found another flaw to correct.
Contrary to my expectations, I did not grow into a more confident person by losing weight; instead, I became even more bitter and insecure.
Shame does create movement — but it’s movement driven by the fear of remaining who we are, not by the joy of becoming who we could be. Every time you rehearse self-contempt, you become better at the habit of contempt. How ironic that so many of us think that we can hate ourselves into becoming someone we can love.
Love has never worked that way.
You do not learn kindness through cruelty. You do not become gentle by practicing violence. You practice love by loving. The same way you practice running by running, not by standing still and blaming your legs.
It took me a quarter of my life to understand that.
So what comes after understanding?
Compassion.
Hating your habit of hating yourself is like stabbing your open wound over and over again; it does not heal the wound, only worsens it.
I made this mistake too often — always wrapping my shame in many layers, making everything so much heavier to bear.
A lot of people are still attached to self-hatred because they find no other way to motivate themselves. They cling to shame because, tragically, it feels easier than compassion.
Shame provides an illusion of control where we feel like if we’re cruel enough, we can prevent failures; and even if we fail, at least we had been cruel enough to punish ourselves beforehand. Whereas compassion requires both vulnerability and strength — vulnerability to admit that you are flawed, as all humans are; and strength to cultivate love for yourself regardless.
It is only by practicing compassion for myself that I could begin to breathe a little more easily.
I stopped seeing my self-criticism as a character flaw, and started to see it as what it truly is — an unwanted inheritance from generations of emotional avoidance and insecurity. By stepping out of this habit and learning to heal, I am also healing countless generations before and after me.
Every time I choose not to shame myself, I become less likely to shame my children.
Every time I speak gently to myself, I speak gently to all my ancestors who did not know how to do the same for themselves.
In a way, compassion is not merely a self-serving act, but a communal one.
Compassion for yourself is compassion for everyone else in your life.
The journey to self-compassion is entirely personal. You know yourself best, and you know what works for you. But if you need some basic recommendations to get started, here are a few ways that helped me be more at peace with who I am:
Journaling
Writing is one of the most effective ways to clarify your mind. Whatever feelings you have bottling up inside you must materialize themselves in a decipherable form through which you can make sense.
Describe the things that happened, how they made you feel, what insights you can gain from them, and how your higher self — your most ideal version of yourself — would react if they were in the situation.
Be honest with your thoughts but don’t be cruel to them. Learn to console yourself as if you’re to console your best friend. Be intentional with your words and hold them with great care.
Meditation
This is a new practice I’ve picked up recently. There are a lot of ways to practice meditation — you can do it sitting, walking, eating, lying down — you don’t need a secluded room with incense and low-frequency music; you only need to bring your full concentration.
Focus on your breath, measure the rhythms, match them to the action you’re doing (for example, if you’re walking, match your in and out breaths to the number of steps). Focusing on breathing is the most effective way to bring awareness back to our body.
Thanks to this, I’ve established a healthier relationship with my body — seeing it not as a project that needs constant revisions, but as a gift, a vessel that allows me to taste life.
Give back to the community
Volunteer. Charity. Helping a stranger. You don’t have to save the world to earn the title of being a good person. A small action like picking up the trash is already making a positive impact on society.
I previously stated that compassion for ourselves is compassion for other people; it also works the other way — caring for other people is catering to our own wounds. We feel good when we do something good. We feel better when we make someone else feel better.
Pick one day per month to become a vegetarian
This is just a personal suggestion, but I feel lighter (both literally and metaphorically) when I stop consuming meat for one day. Too much meat makes me more aggressive and angry, which seems like a common trait for carnivores, so whenever I need to be more gentle and soft, I would go for a non-meat meal.
Reduce your screen time
It’s really that god-damn phone. The Internet, in its infancy, used to be a place where people came to escape reality. But that place has now turned into a prison — a cage that punishes us with endless, useless stimulations that leave us feeling more empty.
Use reality to escape the Internet instead. Whispering to the trees instead of gossiping online. Checking on your loved ones instead of checking your inbox. Of course, you don’t have to reject the online space altogether. I still enjoy social media greatly. I learn so much from it and connect with so many interesting people. But we need to reduce the control it has in our lives and reduce the time it takes from us.
At the end of the day, you are the only person you spend every second of your life with, so you need to ask yourself: What kind of relationship do you want that to be? Do you want to be your own abuser or your own therapist?
The quality of relationship you have with yourself will define every other aspect in your life — your relationship with other people, your ability to find beauty in life, your willingness to love.
Most people think becoming a better person requires declaring war on themselves. But perhaps the greatest transformation doesn’t begin when we defeat ourselves; it begins when we finally stop fighting. After all, that’s how peace works.
you cannot hate yourself into becoming someone you love. but you can always love yourself enough to eradicate the hate you’ve built. so love, no matter how difficult it may seem.
For years, I blamed myself for “laziness” until I realized I’m a “sprinter.” I do my best work in short, intense bursts, not marathon workdays. Now I work in not more than 90-minute sprints.
But I wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t pay attention.
Hemingway wrote at dawn. Murakami runs at sunrise. I write best from coffee shops. Real growth doesn’t start with a new habit tracker or a productivity hack. It starts with radical self-awareness. You can’t improve what you don’t understand. And you can’t understand yourself if you’re too busy trying to become someone else.
I think of radical self-awareness as “detective” work.
Track your energy. Behaviour. Habits. Routines. Rituals. And then notice what conditions make you feel unstoppable.And where you keep hitting walls. I’ve been tracking and observing how I live under different conditions for years. I use the patterns as wisdom for change. Do you write better in the morning or late at night?
Do you think clearly after movement or stillness?
What do you do when no one is watching?
What are your defaults? Do you organize things? Do you avoid planning? Do you start fast and fizzle out or warm up slow and build momentum? “Natural tendencies,” have so much to teach if we pay attention.
Now, this is where it gets powerful: look back.
Study your wins.
Not just what you did, but how. Where were you? What kind of support did you have? What pace did you follow? People love to focus on the goal, but the clues are in the conditions. It’s not that you succeeded just because of hard work. It’s because you were in a system that let you be your best self.
You might be a sprinter. Or a slow-builder. You might come alive in structure. Or be yourself in chaos. You might need a tight plan. Or maybe plans choke your spark. You don’t need to be what the books or gurus tell you. Audit your “shoulds.” Why do you force yoga if you love solitude walks? Why network at conferences if you connect better one-on-one?
Psychologist Carl Jung warned, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” If you don’t confront your patterns, they’ll pilot you into walls.
That’s where systems come in.
The key isn’t to fix yourself: it’s to build around yourself. To use what works. To stop fighting your nature and start designing with it. Build systems around your strengths. If you’re creatively unorganised, create “organized chaos” zones. If you’re impulsive, set firewalls (lock your phone away for focused work). Work with your wiring, not against it. That’s how sustainable change happens.
Anything else is a temporary high followed by burnout.
Writer Frederick Lenz notes, “Our very awareness is the window upon which reality presents itself.” Awareness opens the door. You can’t transform your life if you’re blind to how you operate. And once you see yourself clearly, something falls into place: radical self-acceptance.
No shame. No pride. Just clarity.
Author Tara Brach says it’s “the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as it is.” And from that place, things begin to change. Not because you’re forcing them, but because you’re flowing with them. I’ve found that the more I accept what works for me.
The more room I have to play.
To explore. To risk wonder. And to find flow. That elusive state where time bends, effort feels effortless, and you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. This matters in all areas of life. Whether you’re building a business, writing a book, parenting, healing, or just trying to stay sane in the chaos, radical self-awareness changes everything. It keeps you honest. It shows you where your energy leaks. And it tells you where you come alive. It pays to pay attention.
How radical self-awareness looks like in practice.
It starts small. On a micro-level. Tiny tweaks too small to fail. Start with better questions. When do you feel most focused? What tasks drain you fast? Who are you around when you feel most alive? What routines help you reset? When do I feel alive? What drains me? Where do I excel without effort? Where am I bending to fit someone else’s blueprint?
Study yourself. Find your natural inclinations. Track them. Write them down. Track what you find loosely. With a curious observer. You’re gathering data — about yourself.
That’s more valuable than any productivity podcast.
Respect what you find. And own them.
Build with it. Because real improvement doesn’t come from becoming a new person. It comes from finally becoming you. My challenge to you? For one week, track: Patterns will scream at you. Listen. Then design your life around that truth.
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” — Annie Dillard
Joseph Campbell, author of “The Hero with a Thousand Faces”, made an uncomfortable observation that keeps me thinking. He said, “If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.”
“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path,” he notes.
I read it. I paused. I felt uncomfortable.
The discomfort I felt said it all.
Everyone wants a clear path to feel safe and certain. But Campbell thought clarity can be a trap. Life is supposed to be uniquely yours. A clear path might mean you’re following someone else’s blueprint.
Their goals. Their fears. Not yours.
“You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path. Where there is a way or path, it is someone else’s path. You are not on your own path. If you follow someone else’s way, you are not going to realize your potential,” he wrote in The Power of Myth.
That realization is haunting.
It forces you to ask hard questions. Whose life am I really living?
Campbell, known for his work on mythology, believed life is a personal adventure. He called it “the hero’s journey.”Heroes step into the unknown. They leave comfort behind. They face trials, confusion, and inner chaos.
That’s how they transform.
That’s how they find their true self.
“Follow your bliss. If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be. If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn’t have opened for anyone else,” he says.
An already-made path, a category, a box or whatever you call it, can rob you of your true north. The last time I tried certainty ( over ten years ago), I felt like I would lose my curiosity. So I rejected the offer. I thought I needed certainty and ready-made answers.
I thought clarity meant I was on the right track.
But that was a lie.
Certainty felt like I was going to lose a part of me. Getting back to my path felt good, but it was terrifying. It forced me to think and figure things out.
Campbell’s quote made me rethink the meaning of a good life. These days, I aim to take paths that make me come alive. Psychologist Carl Jung calls it “individuation:” a process of becoming your true self.
He said most people avoid it because it’s painful. Stepping off the clear path takes a lot of courage. The fear of the unknown will test you. You will feel lost. You will want to turn back. But the more you walk into the unknown, the clearer your inner compass becomes.
You don’t follow; you lead yourself.
Jung also said individuation is the only path to wholeness. Courage forces you to face yourself and step into your own life.
Philosopher and author of Man’s Search For Meaning, Viktor Frankl, wrote about finding meaning in suffering. He believed meaning isn’t handed to you. You discover it in the struggle to design your life. You create it in the unknown. “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.” he said.
The world rewards clarity and categorization.
But it comes at a cost. You have to sacrifice your true north. It costs you your uniqueness. Your self-discovery. Yourchance to create something real. If fitting in doesn’t make you come alive, you have the right to explore and create your path.
That’s where the magic happens, I’ve found.
But it’s not for everyone. It might scare people. It might scare you. I explore and follow my curiosity to know what feels right. Clarity has never been the goal for me. Growth is. Safety isn’t necessarily fulfilment.
Sometimes it’s stagnation.
What scares you but also excites you is key to figuring out your true north.
“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”― Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth
Campbell’s quote isn’t just advice.
It’s a challenge. He dares you to face the unknown. To create your own path. To stop living someone else’s life. He encourages us to change how we live. The discomfort is not the enemy. It’s not easy. But it’s worth it.
The path I’ve chosen is not safe, but it’s mine.
That’s the path worth taking.
Your path should scare you. It should also excite you. It should feel uncertain but alive. Campbell explained it perfectly in “The Power of Myth”: “The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.”
It doesn’t mean rejecting help, advice or wisdom from others. No one can tell you exactly what your life should look like.You alone know what your true north should look like. You alone can find yourself over and over again.
Your life is your myth. You are the hero.
Campbell says every hero must face uncertainty, chaos, and fear. But through that, they find freedom. Create your path with every move you make. That’s why it’s yours.
The loudest voices don’t always have my best interest in mind. Some of my closest social relationships ended or ran their course because I wasn’t doing me for me. I was being measured by someone else’s expectations. I lost myself because of it. Life is too short to wear masks for people who care less about your own becoming. Living for others breaks you slowly. First, you lose your voice. Then, you lose your direction.
Eventually, you lose yourself.
Marcus Aurelius was right when he said, “It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”
The louder the world gets, the quieter your inner voice becomes. You stop asking what you want. You start asking what others expect.
The philosopher Søren Kierkegaard wrote, “The most common form of despair is not being who you are.” I’ve felt that despair and emptiness. The more I ignored myself, the more disconnected I became.
I’ve pursued goals that weren’t mine. I’ve said yes when I wanted to say no. I’ve worn masks to avoid judgment. But every time I did, I drifted further from myself. I’ve learned to stop apologizing for being myself. I’m prioritizing what feels right more, even if it disappoints others. It’s a hard thought. But I’ve realized carrying regret feels worse.
I like what author G.B. Benson said, “Once I began to realize that there were no rules and that my path didn’t have to look like everyone else’s, I relaxed, and my whole world opened up.”
People don’t like it when you evolve into a version of yourself that makes you come alive. They may push back. They may judge. They want you to be the version of yourself that makes them comfortable. The one that doesn’t ask too many questions or step out of line. But their discomfort is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to live in alignment with who you are.
Doing me for me means respecting myself enough to take the lead in my own life. It means saying yes to what fuels me and no to what drains me. No one else will live my true north for me. No one else will feel my regrets or joys.
So, I owe it to myself to do what feels right.
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. In the silence, there is a sacred mystery, a path that shows the way not with words but with the heart’s yearning.” Rumi
Doing you, for you, means saying no to masks. It means recognizing that your life is yours alone. That no one can tell you who to be, what to want, or how to live. Only you can answer those questions. “Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth” notes poet Rumi.
Every time you choose yourself, you reclaim a piece of your soul. Every time you say yes to what feels right, you let go of what feels wrong.
Marcus Aurelius wrote, “It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” That’s why I do me, for me.
Because this life is my only shot.
Doing you, for you, isn’t about rejecting others. It’s about accepting yourself first. It’s filling your cup, so you can be all of yourself for the people you love.
It’s writing your own story.
Living life on your terms. Finding joy in being unapologetically you. You have one life. Live it loudly or quietly, but make sure it’s yours.
Take up space.
Set boundaries. Follow your wonder. Trust yourself. Be bold enough to choose your own path, even if others don’t understand it. Live for you. Not for your family. Not for your friends. Not for society. Controversial philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche wrote: “The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.”
Do you, for you. But it’s not easy. People will try to pull you back into their expectations. You’ll doubt yourself. You’ll wonder if you’re being too much, too little, too different. That’s normal.
Keep going anyway.
The truth is, we’re all going to disappoint someone. So why not live in a way that doesn’t disappoint yourself?
The Stoics understood the value of doing you for you. Epictetus said, “First, say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” That’s the heart of it. You have to define yourself before the world does it for you. Listen to yourself. Do what feels right, even if it feels scary. Let go of the fear of being misunderstood. People will misunderstand you anyway. That’s their issue, not yours. Do you, for you. Fully. Fiercely.
Always.
You answer to yourself.
Make it a life you’re proud of.
“Remember this. The world wants to assign you a role. And once you accept that role, you’re doomed.” — Robert Greene
Rise, fall, repeat. It’s a cycle. Everything goes through a process. It’s the nature of things, even the things and experiences we love. My relationship with my family has evolved. I’m spending more time on meaningful experiences. My career has shifted from part-time writing to full-time writing. It’s been rising slowly, but there have been many dips.
My social life is no different. My relationships with friends have their ups and downs. Sometimes, we’re super close, sharing everything, and then life pulls us in different directions. But that doesn’t mean the connection is gone; it just means we’re in a different phase. I’m a lifelong learner, but not always deep. I don’t always read books. Sometimes, I read online essays and take courses. The “measure of the swing to the right” (intense learning) is balanced by the “measure of the swing to the left” (rest and reflection on what I’m learning).
In the end, both are necessary for growth.
My spiritual growth has gone from a single perception of truth to multiple thoughts, ideas and wisdom for life. I don’t get discouraged by the many falls I experience. The important thing is to get back on track when I can, knowing that progress isn’t always linear. I have accepted the natural flow of life. The challenges I face will eventually be met with periods of ease, and adjustments will eventually follow the good times. It’s all part of the complete life experience. The key is finding that sweet spot that is of equal measure on both sides to avoid burnout and stay productive.
Nothing is permanent. “All things change, nothing is extinguished. There is nothing in the whole world which is permanent. Everything flows onward; all things are brought into being with a changing nature; the ages themselves glide by in constant movement. — Ovid
Jobs change, relationships evolve, and people move on. You, me, everything — we’re all part of life’s relentless rise and fall. We build careers, watch our families grow, invest in skills and experiences, and aim to make something beautiful with our lives. It’s exhilarating — that feeling of getting to the top, the world expanding before you. But, like a pendulum, the higher it swings, the steeper the inevitable fall. A career shift of unimaginable consequences, the people we love pass, and our bodies betray us with age. It’s a harsh truth, but understanding prepares you for change, something you can’t wish away.
The cycle is not punishment.
It’s flow. Tides rush in, then retreat, leaving treasures behind. “The flow of life is great. It directs you at all times. It flows through you and with you,” writes Laurie E. Smith in Spirit In Disguise. We rise, gather experiences, learn, and grow. Then, we painfully fall and lose what we hold in high esteem. We start over, releasing what no longer serves us and making space for the next tide. It’s a constant exchange. The key to inner peace, mental clarity, and escaping misery is to make space in our minds for both sides without clinging to them. Don’t cling to the good times or get discouraged by the bad ones. Anticipate the falls by building resilience. That’s how you get through hardships. The rise and fall can feel overwhelming at times, but the good and bad balance out in the end.
That’s how I’m surviving the rise and fall of life.
The fall humbles me.
It reminds me of my limits — the things I can control and those I can’t. It pushes me to adapt, to find new ways to rise. The “pendulum” of life will affect you one way or another. The only way out is to become wiser during your rise. Don’t get complacent. Prepare for the inevitable shift. Don’t be reckless. Build a solid foundation. Make better and deeper connections so that when the fall comes, it won’t shatter you. And when you’re down, you won’t stay there. Look for opportunities in the dip. Maybe it’s a chance to reassess, start fresh, or do things differently.
“Everything flows and nothing abides. Everything gives way and nothing stays fixed.” — Heraclitus
Rising and falling applies to almost everything.
You have a bad day, then a fantastic one. You feel energized, then exhausted. It’s a constant up and down. There will be periods of high energy and productivity (“out”) followed by times of rest and reflection (“in”). These cycles are natural and necessary. You can’t be “on” all the time. The body needs downtime to recover. There’s a natural balance to life’s experiences, I’ve found.
The greater the effort you put into one aspect of your life (work, relationships, meaningful downtime activities ), the greater the need to create space for its opposite (rest, relaxation, personal growth). When you’re in a productive phase, capitalize on it, but schedule downtime to avoid exhaustion. Similarly, during low periods, don’t force things. Focus on activities that replenish your energy.
But the intensity is different for everyone.
“Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change — this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.” — Bruce Barton
Learn to recognise these mini-cycles. There will be moments of doubt, fatigue, and frustration. Even our moods follow this flow. It’s not a sign of failure or weakness. When you’re feeling low, don’t get attached. The pendulum will inevitably swing back in your favour again soon enough.
My mantra for staying sane through it all: rise with purpose, fall with wisdom, and repeat.
Recently I had the pleasure of speaking with Jonathan DePierro, Ph.D., about his newly updated book Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges. DePierro is associate director of the Center for Stress, Resilience and Personal Growth (CSRPG) at New York’s Mount Sinai Icahn School of Medicine. The book provides pragmatic practices based on years of clinical research with Vietnam veterans, 9/11 recovery workers, and others, backed up by inspiring stories of endurance and transformation.
What Is Resilience, and How Can I Build It Up?
Resilience can be hard to measure, and many longstanding ways to assess resilience, while helpful, have fallen short. For instance, resilience is not simply the absense of post- traumatic stress disorder; it is the presence of health and, often (but by no means exclusively), accompanied by post-traumatic growth.
Regardless, resilience serves to buffer PTSD such that people with greater resilience are less likely to develop pathological outcomes following significant trauma. Not only that, but while many aspects of resilience are innate (related to biological factors affecting brain plasticity, for example), many resilience factors are learnable (“modifiable”). It is these modifiable factors people need to target, train, and track.
Increasing resilience correlates with enhanced long-term health outcomes and has been shown, at the organizational level, to be a cost-effective strategy. Investing in resilience now saves organizations significant costs in the future. Nevertheless, relatively few organizations actually implement robust and demonstrably effective resilience training into their key performance indicators and other measures of progress.
Mount Sinai Resilience Scale
Each item specifies a behavior or mindset likely to increase resilience and is rated on a scale from “Not at all true” (0) to “Almost always true” (4). For each item, the scale asks, “How useful/effective was this strategy?”, highlighting the pivotal role of ongoing nonjudgmental self-appraisal. The scale can be used to track progress over time and identify areas where additional training is helpful.
I confronted or faced my fears and problems directly.
I actively tried to change or challenge negative or critical thoughts about myself or others.
I attempted to become a positive example or role model of how to handle challenges.
I turned to friends, mentors, family members, spiritual leaders, or teachers for advice on how to handle challenges.
I made efforts to stay hopeful about the future.
I sought the support of others.
My choices and behaviors were consistent with my convictions of what is right and what is wrong.
I told myself that the challenges in my life can lead to personal growth.
When given the opportunity to choose my food, I chose foods that were nutritious or healthy.
I did my best to get enough sleep.
I participated in activities that gave me meaning and purpose.
I took time to notice and understand my emotional and bodily reactions to stressful situations.
I accepted that there are difficult emotions, situations, or people that I cannot change right now.
I felt the positive impact of my religious and/or spiritual beliefs in many areas of my life.
I took active steps to emotionally recover from stressful situations.
I provided emotional, financial, or other types of support or donations to those in need.
I offered support to others.
I slowed myself down “in the moment” to handle intensely negative emotional reactions.
I worked to forgive myself or others for doing something that was not in line with my values.
I dedicated time to my hobbies or interests.
I took the time to learn new skills or things that interest me.
I made an effort to exercise.
I held on to my sense of connection with a higher power or deity.
I sought solace in spiritual practices such as prayer, meditation, or faith meetings.
Conclusions
There is certainly more to the story of satisfaction, wellness and health, recovery from trauma, illness and adversity than simply resilience. Resilience is, however, at the heart of the conversation and, while not a panacea, a foundational ingredient in a life well-lived, in hard times and all times. An updated manual of resilience, geared toward action-oriented steps as well as reflecting deep understanding, provides tools people can immediately deploy-tools sorely in need in today’s increasingly stressful, crowded, and confusing reality.
Over time, incorporating resilience strategies leads to a shift in one’s overall approach to adversity and can be part of a plan for pursuing personal development. Small changes add up, but trying to do to all at once is the antithesis of resilience. It’s wise to pick a couple of areas, work on small changes, see results, motivate persistence, and create a virtuous cycle. The goal, in a sense, is to cultivate a resilient personality.
From sleep and exercise to cognitive flexibility, to finding meaning and/or faith, to being supported by others and supporting others, there are many relatively accessible, high-impact ways to begin to bend rigidity into resilience. Change that starts small and builds strength and flexibility over time also benefits from self-compassion, so that when we falter, we pick ourselves up with firm kindness rather than descend into self-criticism.
Reference
DePierro, J. M., Marin, D. B., Sharma, V., Katz, C. L., Pietrzak, R. H., Feder, A., Murrough, J. W., Starkweather, S., Marx, B. P., Southwick, S. M., & Charney, D. S. (2023, October 5). Development and Initial Validation of the Mount Sinai Resilience Scale. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy. Advance online publication. https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/tra0001590 For inquiries: jonathan.depierro@mssm.edu
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The biggest problem the world has isn’t a lack of scholars, but a lack of people who are self-aware, possessing “emotional intelligence” (to borrow a term from Daniel Goleman). Peace is essential to prosperity, and the biggest threat to peace is misunderstandings — not understanding ourselves and not understanding others. The better you know yourself, the better you can know others.
Blaise Pascal was right, “all of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” Inner wisdom is discovered in such moments. We spend much of our time running from ourselves, when we should be running toward ourselves.
Self-discovery is about becoming aware of who you really are, rather than what culture has told you that you should be. Self-discovery is about no longer striving to be what you think others will admire.
Listening to others is important. We learn from their perspectives. But equally important is spending time alone, in peaceful surroundings. Peaceful surroundings doesn’t mean absolute silence. It means the absence of distractions and outside influences. If you’re always listening to others, you’ll just become the sum of everyone else’s ideas.
Your deepest thoughts can’t be heard unless you make space for them to be heard. Without time to think, you’ll have difficulty developing a personal philosophy. Without time to yourself, you won’t have anything to keep you grounded. You’ll fall into all sorts of traps, and you’ll find it difficult to resist the negative influences of others.
You have to guard your quiet time and really make use of it. This is sacred time. This is when you connect with your true self. This is when you are reminded how to be at peace in the storm, and the importance of love. This is where you’ll find comfort and guidance.
“The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives — the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself.” — Norman Cousins
In his book, The Agony and the Ecstasy, Irving Stone takes the reader on a detailed journey of Michelangelo’s life, from his early days with the Medici family to his detailed sculptures and paintings at the Sistine Chapel.
The common theme depicted in the book was of an inspired painter and sculptor who lived for his art. Although Michelangelo was supremely talented, he still devoted much of his waking life to developing these talents.
He spent numerous hours working throughout the night to dissect cadavers to have a better understanding of the human form. He tirelessly sketched and sculptured the purest Carrara marble, turning blocks of stone into the finest masterpieces the world has known.
He once remarked that when sculpturing, the marble took on a life of its own and would tell him how it was to turn out. He was merely the conduit between the marble and the masterpiece revealing itself through him.
Therefore, inspiration is the call from the soul to express itself through you. It is no secret that inspired people engage in life with every faculty of their being. They are happier, motivated, and in love with their passion.
They embody their passion with every part of their being and think about it every moment they are awake. It consumes their life. Inspiration is the expression of creativity and the mind of the universe flowing through you.
And it is not just for artists. If you yearn for direction in your life, inspiration may be calling. Most people don’t know what inspires them. Let us look at ways you can find inspiration in your life.
While some artists are inspired by nature, others are inspired by humans and their ways of living. We all have different inspiration sources. Some of us need to look within for inspiration, while others have to look outwards.
There is no golden answer to finding inspiration, and there can be multiple answers for an individual. Nobody can tell you what should or should not inspire you.
Looking back at my life, I have been inspired by different things at different times. As a teenager, I was inspired by my favorite band. I wanted to be a musician like them. As times change, our inspirations and role models change.
Focus On What You Want Now
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched — they must be felt with the heart.” — Helen Keller
What interests and pursuits do you regularly undertake that bring you joy? Don’t worry about whether you can derive an income from it. Is it something creative, or do you find inspiration in tasks nobody else seems to have time or patience for?
How do you know that you are inspired by your pursuit and not just happy to be doing it? Well, inspiration is something that brings you deep joy. When you are inspired and pursuing your passion, time stands still.
When I am onstage speaking in front of an audience or writing, time stands still, and I am absorbed in the moment of my craft. Words pour forth, and I am neither attached nor invested in the exact words I write or speak.
I have often finished giving a seminar, for example, and cannot remember a single word I said despite even having rehearsed and planned the topic. I feel joy and bliss when I am present and aware of the moment. I have no desire other than to be the conduit for my thoughts to manifest as words that resonate with my audiences.
You may have a similar experience regarding how inspiration looks and feels. Connect with that feeling of inspiration daily by tuning into its frequency.
Inspired people often comment that they don’t mind whether they are paid or not to pursue their passion. They could work tirelessly for days, weeks, or years, yet the common element of their love is their joy and the fulfillment of them.
There is a well-known passage by Patanjali, who wrote the ancient yoga sutras that reads:
“[When] you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, and all your thoughts break their bonds: your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.”
I have shared this passage with audience members, and I am still surprised to discover how deeply the passage’s meaning resonates with people. Patanjali advises that when we are connected with a deeper purpose, our thoughts transcend their limitations as our consciousness expands, and we find ourselves in a new and wonderful world.
Our hidden talents come alive as they shine forth, and in doing so, we discover ourselves to be greater than we ever imagined. The passage suggests that when you align with a greater force, this is the essence of inspiration.
People who are inspired act from a deeper place within. They are not concerned with accolades and recognition from others; they strive for personal satisfaction and a sense of purpose and meaning, which derives from their work.
Motivation vs Inspiration
“ Strong emotions such as passion and bliss are indications that you’re connected to Spirit, or ‘inspired,’ if you will. When you’re inspired, you activate dormant forces, and the abundance you seek in any form comes streaming into your life.” — Wayne Dyer
It is essential to understand that inspired people view their work as play. For instance, I recall times when I have worked over sixty to seventy hours for weeks, yet when I reflect, I can see that my work was an opportunity to play.
Knowing this, how do you know you are inspired? What does inspiration look like when you become aligned with this faculty? Here are some thoughts on how inspiration may show up for you:
Time stands still, and you are caught up in Flow moments
You love what you do
You cannot wait to wake up to pursue your passion.
Time is irrelevant when you are pursuing your passion.
You are energized and full of life when pursuing your passion.
It does not matter that you are not getting paid since you gain a great deal from your work.
Being creative is an opportunity to display and reveal your hidden talents.
So absorbed in your work you are unaware of anything else in your life.
You are continually looking for new ways to improve upon the work that you do.
You approach your passion with a sense of humility and gratitude.
You feel an inner sense of peace and security when pursuing your passion.
You might notice anxiety and tension when you go without pursuing your passion.
You love the satisfaction it brings you if others compliment you on your work — you do not necessarily seek approval from others.
It is evident from the characteristics above those pursuing their passion do so with a level of inspiration that is beyond the call of duty. Inspired people work from the inside out rather than needing motivation. There often needs to be more clarity between inspiration and motivation.
From the list, you can see that an inspired person does not require motivation. However, people who require motivation need an external source to keep them progressing along their path.
An excellent example of looking at motivation might suggest that to motivate someone, you would have a hand on their back, nudging them forward. When you take your hand away, the person is less inclined to stay motivated. Inspired people are their motivators.
They do not need the motivation from an external source to keep them inspired. The source of their inspiration comes from a deep place within. Inspired people are deeply aware of the inner source of their motivation, which emanates and creates the passion and enthusiasm they feel toward their work and purpose.
Knowing this, what are your sources of inspiration? What brings you great pleasure and joy? Do you devote enough time to these pursuits throughout the week? Contemplate your answers to these questions and try to make time to nurture inspiration in your life. After all, it may be the very thing that sets your world alight.
Think of existential freedom as a basic human right to choose the trajectory of your experiences
As a renowned psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor, and author of the influential book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Frankl’s experiences and observations have resonated with countless individuals seeking purpose and fulfilment.
Through his unique blend of existential philosophy and therapeutic approaches, Frankl challenges us to explore the depths of human existence, emphasizing the significance of finding meaning even in the face of adversity.
“When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure, says Frankl.
Viktor Frankl’s journey was one of unimaginable hardship and profound self-discovery. As a Holocaust survivor who endured the horrors of concentration camps, he bore witness to the darkest aspects of human nature.
Yet, amidst the bleakness, he emerged with an unwavering belief in the human capacity to find meaning and purpose even in our most difficult experiences.
His most outstanding work, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” outlines his groundbreaking concept of logotherapy, a form of existential analysis that centres on the quest for meaning as the primary motivation in human life.
Frankl posits that in the face of suffering, people can still choose their attitude and response, allowing them to transcend their circumstances and discover more profound significance in their existence.
“Our greatest freedom is the freedom to choose our attitude,” he said.
His profound perspectives challenge us to confront life’s existential questions and search for purpose in our daily pursuits. He encourages us to tap into our inner resilience, emphasizing personal responsibility’s importance and human agency’s power.
In this short piece of Frankl’s teachings, we will delve into the transformative power of his ideas and how they can guide us towards leading lives of genuine significance and purpose.
1. The search for meaning is not a superficial desire but an existential longing
Humans possess an unparalleled level of self-awareness and consciousness. Unlike other creatures, we can reflect on our existence and contemplate our purpose in the world.
Self-awareness raises a fundamental question: “What is my life’s purpose?” This existential query is inherent to our nature and shapes our thoughts, actions, and decisions throughout our lives.
“Life is not primarily a quest for pleasure, as Freud believed, or a quest for power, as Alfred Adler taught, but a quest for meaning. The greatest task for any person is to find meaning in his or her own life,” says Viktor Frankl.
Frankl argues that we are driven by an inherent need to find purpose and meaning in our lives. And that the search for meaning is not merely a superficial desire for pleasure or dominance but rather a profound longing to understand why we exist and what our unique contribution to the world might be.
The quest for meaning becomes a driving force that guides our actions, shapes our values, and influences our personal development.
Frankl suggests that pursuing pleasure and power may ultimately leave us unfulfilled. Pleasures are often temporary, and pursuing power may lead to isolation and disconnection from others.
In contrast, the quest for meaning transcends individual desires and reaches beyond the self. It involves connecting with something larger than oneself — be it spiritual, moral, or creative.
Finding meaning in challenging circumstances allows us to endure hardship with greater strength and determination.
Embracing this philosophy may lead to a richer and more purposeful life, fostering a sense of interconnectedness with the world and the people around us.
2. Think of existential freedom as a basic human right to choose the trajectory of your experiences
At the core of Frankl’s philosophy is existential freedom — the belief that, regardless of external circumstances, human beings possess an innate freedom to respond to any situation.
While external events may be beyond our control, we can shape our attitudes, thoughts, and behaviours in response to those events.
“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation,” writes Frankl.
Frankl also highlights the inherent dignity and autonomy of human beings. Even in the most oppressive or dire situations, people can assert their humanity by taking ownership of their responses and actions.
The dignified stance allows people to transcend victimhood and empowers them to reclaim a sense of agency over their lives.
Frankl’s philosophy underscores that the last of human freedoms is the ability to choose one’s attitude. In the face of suffering or tragedy, you can choose hope over despair, love over hatred, and resilience over resignation.
Your choice of attitude profoundly shapes how you experience and navigate life’s challenges, fostering a sense of inner strength and empowerment.
Frankl’s statement also introduces the idea of transcendence — the ability to rise above your circumstances and find higher meaning.
Even in the most adverse situations, people can transcend their immediate reality by holding onto values, beliefs, and aspirations that extend beyond the present moment.
3. Happiness is a side effect of transcending self-interest and ego-driven pursuits
“Success, like happiness, is the unexpected side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself.” — Viktor E. Frankl
Frankl underscores the significance of transcending self-interest and ego-driven pursuits in this quote. When people dedicate themselves to a cause greater than their own immediate desires, they move beyond the confines of narrow self-centeredness.
Expanding perspective allows them to connect with larger values and purposes, fostering a sense of belonging to something meaningful and impactful.
Commitment to a more significant cause gives you a clear sense of direction and purpose. You become more focused and driven as a meaningful mission guides your actions.
The dedicated effort to serve something beyond yourself can lead to outstanding achievements and success, often surpassing what you originally anticipated.
Frankl’s assertion that success is an unexpected side effect highlights that genuine success often arises when people are not solely focused on achieving it. Instead, success emerges as a byproduct of sincere dedication and pursuing a meaningful purpose.
When you are immersed in the pursuit of something you truly believe in, you channel your best efforts, creativity, and talents, increasing the likelihood of remarkable outcomes.
4. Perspectives shape our experiences
Circumstances alone do not determine our ability to cope. While we cannot always control the external circumstances that life presents, we can choose how we perceive and respond to them.
A meaningful purpose can serve as a lens through which we interpret and navigate life’s challenges, making even the most difficult situations bearable.
“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” — Viktor E. Frankl
Frankl’s statement acknowledges the incredible resilience of the human spirit. People have shown throughout history that they can endure immense suffering and still find strength in their search for meaning.
Life can feel empty and unbearable when we lack a sense of purpose or direction. Whether through personal relationships, creative endeavours, or contributions to society, pursuing meaning creates a more profound sense of fulfilment that sustains us even in challenging times.
A clear sense of what we stand for and what gives our lives meaning can help us find purpose and direction even in the face of hardships. It gives us a reason to keep going, even when the path ahead seems challenging or uncertain.
5. The freedom to create your future consciously — create meaningful memories
“Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.” — Viktor Frankl
The quote can be interpreted in a few different ways. One interpretation is that it is a call to live each day as if it were your last. It’s a challenge to live a life of purpose. Frankl believed that everyone has a unique purpose in life and that we should strive to fulfill that purpose.
That means being mindful of your choices and ensuring they are aligned with your values. It also means being grateful for the present moment and not taking anything for granted.
Frankl also suggests that we should imagine ourselves living a second time, emphasizing the value of time and the preciousness of each moment.
When we envision a second chance at life, we become more aware of the limited nature of our time and are motivated to make the most of the present.
He is also reminding us that we all make mistakes. Acknowledging our past mistakes and wrongdoings allows us to learn from them and avoid repeating the same errors. It encourages self-awareness and personal growth as we strive to improve ourselves.
Living with the consciousness of having acted wrongly in the past encourages us to make amends, seek forgiveness, and strive to positively impact others. It prompts us to be kinder, compassionate, and considerate in our interactions with those around us.
Finally, the quote echoes the sentiment of “carpe diem” or “seize the day.” It reminds us to live fully in the present rather than dwelling on the past or anxiously waiting for the future. Seizing opportunities and experiences that come Your way to enrich your life and create meaningful memories.
“Whatever happens, happens to you by you, through you; you are the creator, enjoyer and destroyer of all you perceive.”
— Nisargadatta Maharaj
Do you believe life happens to you or for you? Take your time to reflect on this because your answer will give you an insight into how you relate to life. Many people are certain life is external to their experience of it. The problem with this is that it takes away our ability to make empowered choices.
If we think life is being enacted upon us, we are likely to surrender control and become victims of our circumstances. Like many others, I was certain life was happening to me until I realised the source of my power was within me.
For a long time, it seemed life was out to get me and that my illness and father’s passing resulted from karmic forces I had little control over. I upheld this belief for many years until I realised I am creating my life’s condition, whether consciously or unconsciously.
In fact, life happens for me, not to me as I once thought. It took years of pain and suffering to come to this realisation. When I look back, it is difficult to comprehend how I assumed otherwise. It is why I sympathise with those who think this way because we are conditioned to believe life is external to us and not within our control.
Can you see how adopting this way of thinking can be of great benefit to you? Victimhood is not an empowering state because we blame circumstances and others for our problems instead of taking charge of the outcomes. Victimhood robs us of our capacity to create choices in line with our greater good.
Not all of life is smooth sailing. When we were born into this earth school we didn’t sign up for good times but a journey of self-discovery. This means we are likely to experience circumstances that challenge us and compel us to awaken our greatest power.
But how can we awaken our greatest power when we are asleep at the wheel of life? Nothing significant arises from the familiar other than boredom and listlessness.
Make Choices That Serve Your Highest Good
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” — Byron Katie
Humankind has an inherent need to create meaning while realising their purpose and potential. Animals instinctively know their role within the ecosystem of life. It is only mankind that looks for his purpose outside of him when it lies waiting within.
If life is to reveal itself through us, we must let go of the storyline that we are external to life. In doing so, we appreciate that every thought and action serves a purpose for our greatest good. I don’t believe there are accidents within a purposeful universe, only the opportunity to align with what resonates with our deepest self.
I admit, finding our way within this purposeful universe is difficult and why I empathise with those who become lost. Yet, what we perceive as being lost is part of a grander narrative of our life coming together as it should. Here’s something to consider: What if every wrong turn, every wrong decision, every failed relationship or career choice, still lead you to the life you’re meant to live?
How would you feel? Whilst my question may sound like a riddle, life still functions within a container of wrong turns and dead ends, yet it is the outcome that matters. Often, when coaching clients I like to use the metaphor of finding their way out through a maze, analogous to our life’s journey.
When entering the maze, we will take wrong turns and yet these are purposeful to help us find the exit. Unless we are looking down on the maze from above, we cannot possibly know the shortest route to the exit, so we make mistakes to get there.
And that is the essence of what takes place in our lives: our mistakes help us find our way if we are willing to learn from them. Are you beginning to see how your life can still be purposeful even if it doesn’t look that way? This is something worth considering because knowing you are at the wheel of your life’s journey, allows you to make choices aligned with your core values.
Even mistakes and their second cousins, setbacks and obstacles serve a purpose within the backdrop of life. The key is to keep moving and become aware of our choices that serve our highest good, instead of being dictated by unconscious beliefs.
If we subscribe to the latter, we are no more than automatons having life imposed upon us and wrongly mistaking it for how life should be. As you will come to realise, your life choices will be reflected in your expanded awareness, thus leading you to a life filled with fulfilment and your destiny.
